Dating | Periscope Depth

From the Blog

Nov

cause I need red flags and long nights and she can tell

Posted by Perich at 9:14 am

(Part eight in the ongoing dating series. Part seven, on how credibility makes dating easier, last week)

I’ve spent most of my prior entries talking about how to repair your own problems. You have to lead an interesting life. You have to be open with yourself and with others. Part of this is to make you a better catch. But part of this is also just to live a happy, fulfilled life.

Guys drive themselves crazy, obsessing over one woman – or just women in general – and hoping to be satisfied. But this isn’t any different than a guy obsessing over getting a particular job, or buying a LCD TV, or getting an Escalade. There’s that unconscious hope that says as soon as I get my hands on this, everything’s going to change. I’ll feel better in the morning and sleep easier at night. It’s all going to work out.

And of course it never does.

This is because the guy in question has issues with his own psyche. And getting a girl, even the Right Girl, will not solve those issues. Or rather, if it does, it’ll be because she starts calling the guy on his bullshit, not because she caters to his every whim. But that’s hardly the fantasy a guy entertains when he’s paging through Esquire. “Man, wouldn’t it be great if Ashley Greene got me to finish that novel?”

But, we’ve spent the last few weeks addressing that. We talked about self-confidence and living an active life. So let’s presume you’ve been taking that advice and have your shit in order. Now you need to be shown the next step.

How To Ask A Girl Out

I dunno. You just fucking ask.

What I’ve usually found works is asking for her phone number. Lots of dating advice columns will stress that you have to do it this way. You can’t ask a girl out over IM or Facebook, they insist. Having done both, I don’t see a problem with it. Romance has little to do with medium. But asking a girl for her phone number has the advantage of sending a clear, confident message. You can friend-request anybody; it might not mean a thing. But when you ask a girl for her digits, it usually means you want to ask her out.

If you’ve been absolutely dazzling her, making her laugh and keeping her interested, you won’t have to ask. She’ll insist on giving it to you. But this is rare, so don’t count on it. Come up with a good way to ask and then go for it.

If you’re still nervous at this point, relax. She will probably – if she’s single, and on the market, and you haven’t turned her off – give you her number. This is relatively easy for her to do. Of course, just because she’s given you her phone number doesn’t mean she’ll go out with you. Maybe she’s just being polite. Or maybe she’s still on the fence, but is willing to give you another shot at impressing her. Or maybe she’s been dying for you to ask.

You’ll never know which of those is the case until you ask, though. And you’ll find more failures than successes. A lot of times, you’ll get shunted to voicemail. Occasionally, you’ll find a woman who flat out won’t give you her number (shocking, right? who wouldn’t want to field calls from a single guy?).

Both have happened to me on many occasions. It’s expected. If a girl you were really attracted to turns you down, you’re allowed one night of staring into the middle distance while nursing a glass of whiskey. You can’t badmouth her to your friends (or worse, her friends); you can’t go cruising the bars looking for trouble. And this has to be the same night that she turned you down. No fair saving it up for later. One night, that’s it. Then it’s back in the game.

As for when you should call – two days? three days? two weeks? – I don’t know that, either. If you’re obsessing over the right time to call her so as not to scare her off, yet still keep her interested, you’re treating her like she’s The One. If you have the free time to sit on your couch and stare at her number on your phone, wondering whether or not to dial, then you’re not keeping busy enough. I have called girls up anywhere between two and fifteen days after getting their digits and I have found no consistent metric for success.

Here’s a revolutionary thought: how about you call her when you have something fun to do that you think she’d enjoy doing with you? Crazy, I know.

Oct

meta: dating advice poll

Posted by Perich at 7:17 am

dating
meta

Nothing slated for my ongoing dating advice series (target audience: guys like me) this week.

Anything that people particularly want me to address? If not, I’ll post my conclusion next week. Let me know in the comments (either in WP or on LJ).

Oct

she’s not into you; she’s into the ideal of

Posted by Perich at 8:05 am

(Part seven of my series on dating. My last entry, on how to deal with the Friend Zone, was last week)

Quick one in the dating series this week:

I’ve been leafing through The Personal Credibility Factor over the past week. It’s one of those self-help / life-coach books that’s big on assertion and short on footnotes. But then, so are most of the books in this genre (Men Are From Mars, etc. doesn’t source every single one of its statements). And I got it for $0.00 on Kindle, so I can’t complain.

One of the biggest aids to credibility, the author asserts, is being genuine. People who conceal or compartmentalize their feelings put up walls around themselves – what the author calls an “invisible fence.” Other people notice these fences subconsciously and withdraw as a result. They don’t trust someone who doesn’t appear genuine.

The book is targeted at business people who want their suggestions implemented. But I immediately recognized its impact on dating.

Lots of people (too many) think the reason that “jerks” get all the girls is because they’re jerks. They’re cocky, loud and blunt about what they want. “Nice Guys,” on the other hand, have to suffer in silence. The moral of the story: women want aggressive “alphas” who use them, disrespect them and then abandon them. Start insulting her hair and you’ll make progress.

Some of that may be true, but there’s a simpler explanation. Jerks get all the girls^* because they’re genuine.

When you have a guy who flirts openly, says what he thinks, and makes aggressive moves, there’s no mistaking what he wants. No girl ever goes to a concert with that guy and wonders, “Was that a date?” This doesn’t guarantee she’ll hook up with the guy. Maybe she’ll just make out with him (remember, just because a girl makes out with a guy doesn’t mean she’ll sleep with him). But she’ll feel more comfortable around this guy, at least in a romantic context. Because he’s not being creepy.

If you don’t understand how unsettling romantic indirection is – how weird it is for a girl to be hovered over by a guy who’s clearly interested in her but won’t make a move – consider the following. Say you’re at a party with your friends. You’re standing in a circle in the living room. You’re holding court on some topic you’re an expert on: football, music, movies, whatever. You make some clever remark and everyone in the circle laughs. Then this one guy, a friend of a friend of a friend, jumps in with some comment. He talks a little too loud, a little too fast, and a little too vaguely. He punctuates his sentences with a nervous laugh. He tries to steer the conversation to his own (limited) areas of expertise. It’s clear to everyone that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. But he wants to participate in the conversation anyway.

Hey, did you see that hit that guy unloaded on the Patriots in their last game? Man, that was ... heh heh ... you know.

What’s your reaction to that? Are you flattered that he’s showing an interest?

No. You’re either going to be politely embarrassed and say nothing, or you’re going to talk over him to expose his lack of knowledge. Or you’ll make fun of him behind his back. Or you’ll just ignore him. Or, if you’re a real saint, you’ll slow the conversation down to his level to try and include him. But you’re not going to make friends with him – not based on that display.

Why? Because he’s pretending at knowledge in order to weasel his way into your friends. And insincerity is creepy.

Insincerity is a question of degrees, not an on/off switch. There are people who seem open, friendly and genuine all day long, except when you bring up their job or their family or one sensitive subject. Then their answers get evasive, their eyes dart around the room and they change the subject. Then there are people who routinely waffle on everything – the real creepshows. But once in a rare while, you get someone who’s genuine in everything they say and do. These people are bright lights in a sea of fog.

Of course, when it comes to dating, sincerity isn’t everything. If you fall in love with a stranger, confessing your crush on her may be genuine but it won’t do much for your dating life. Then again, confessing your crush on her will get it out of your system, which is a better cure than nursing it.

Sincerity isn’t sufficient. But it is necessary.

(Part eight, on how to ask a girl out)

_______________________
^* I still question if this is true, but it’s passed into conventional wisdom at this point and I can’t fight it.

Oct

at least until the price becomes too high

Posted by Perich at 9:36 am

(Part six of my series on dating. My last entry, on why not to obsess over your crushes, was last week)

You see it all the time on dating advice websites. The ones targeted at men anyway. A guy writes in, agonizing over this one girl he knows. He dresses well, he says things to make her laugh. But every time he tries to get her alone, she rebuffs him. What am I doing wrong?, he asks.

Uh-oh, the advice-giver replies. You’ve ended up in The Friend Zone.

The Friend Zone is the most terrible place in the world. It’s a damp landscape full of guys with nervous smiles. Thirty-foot tall girls with pixie haircuts tower over the men, crushing them with errant kicks of their spike heels. They laugh, twirl their hair, and scour the land with lightning.

Why is the Friend Zone so awful? Well, once a girl puts you in the Friend Zone, that’s the end of everything. You thought you were getting a smart, funny, warm, interesting girl to have sex with. But instead, you’re getting all that, minus the sex. This is worse than waterboarding!

If you’ve been paying attention to the series so far, you’ll realize what’s going on. If not, let me make it clear: I’m being sarcastic. This notion of “The Friend Zone” arises from the same twisted views of women, sex and dating that so many other problems come from.

If you find yourself searching the Internet for advice on “how to get out of the friend zone,” you already have more problems than a list of tips can solve. Here’s what your problems are:

* You’re obsessing over a specific woman, convinced she’s The One. She’s not.

* You’re being phony with your approach. All but the most sheltered women can tell when a guy is flirting with them. And most women can tell when a guy is interested in them, but is not flirting. A guy who tries to pass himself off as a friend to a girl, when he really wants to get in her pants, is creepy. And once a girl realizes what sort of creep you are, she’ll want nothing to do with you.

* You’re only interested in sex. As I said above, when you’re friends with a smart, funny, compassionate girl, you’re getting everything but the sex. Three out of four ain’t bad, as Jim Steinman (almost) said. So why the whining? Because you’re a needy horndog, not a romantic catch?

So. You find yourself in The Friend Zone. Here’s some advice on dealing with it that you won’t find on most other dating advice blogs:

(1) Get out more.

(2) Tell her you’re having a hard time meeting girls. If she really is a friend of yours – as opposed to some girl you’re creeping out – she’ll offer advice, or maybe bring you some place to meet friends of hers. This isn’t a reverse-psychology ploy to get her to consider you in a different light. This is you asking for help. Trust me, you need it.

(3) Quit reading dating columns or websites that give you tips on how to get out of the Friend Zone. They put all the onus on you. The Friend Zone, if you believe these guys, exists only as a result of your actions (you came on too strong! you were a doormat! you didn’t lock eye contact and work your game on the approach!), never as a result of any decision the woman might have made. Women are apparently lumps of moist plastic, not thinking creatures.

Why am I so skeptical of the notion of the “Friend Zone”? Because some of my most successful relationships have come from women I was friends with first. And it wasn’t any special patter I had that turned things around.

Oct

you can occupy my every sigh

Posted by Perich at 7:00 am

(Part five of my continuing series on dating. Part four: on whether or not online dating is worth it)

I’ve talked a lot about the importance of keeping busy. Why you need to expand your social network. Why you need to keep from brooding over failures. Doing these things increases the odds of finding a good relationship – finding someone who makes you laugh, turns you on, supports you when you need it and whom you enjoy supporting, too.

Perhaps most importantly, though, it keeps you from falling for The One.

The One is that girl who’s just perfect. Just the right body type, just the right face, just the right smile. She laughs in a way that cuts through a crowded room. Everything she says hits the mark. You find yourself either staring at the side of her face, hoping for a glance, or avoiding her altogether for fear that she’ll see right through you.

You can admit it. It’s happened to you. Hell, it’s happened to me.

There’s nothing wrong with crushing on someone. There’s nothing wrong with being tired, or catching a cold, or sweating during a workout, either. It’s biological. Telling you that your natural physiological reactions are “wrong” or “silly” won’t stop you from having them. So own up to what you’re feeling. Admit that you’re helpless for this girl whom you barely know.

Admitting it’s not the problem.

The problem is when you start obsessing over her. You fantasize. You create scenarios: the two of you working on a project after school. Checking into a hotel after that work conference. Sharing a taxi ride home after the big game. You have these complex conversations in your head where everything works out and you make her laugh. Of course, when you actually see her in person, you never say a word.

Most of the garbage I see on dating or PUA websites come as responses to readers e-mailing in. And the e-mails always begin the same way, “There’s this girl who …” After a few lines touting her virtues, there come the qualifiers. She has a boyfriend (who’s no good for her). We work together (and I’m afraid it’d be awkward). I never get to talk to her (but that hasn’t stopped me from becoming infatuated).

One question with infinite variations. “There’s this girl who …”

In response to this one question comes the most poisonous bullshit ever to erupt from a human mind. Careful, bro, she’s putting you in the Friend Zone! She’s using you for emotional comfort while her boyfriend gets her off! She’s a tease; she’s leading you on. Step up your game, neg her, put on your alpha male routine, etc.

All of these suggestions diagnose the symptoms (dude not getting laid) rather than the cause (dude wanting a woman he barely knows). Because crushes are invariably mysterious. It’s the glamorous stranger we lock eyes with across the bar, not our high school chum. Why? Because, while in a sensitive mental state, we catch a glimpse of something perfect. Then we break contact, so as not to spoil the illusion of perfection, and fill in the blanks with our imagination.

A crush is 1% quality and 99% imagination. It’s fiction. The truth? That bedroom-eyed blonde has three things to talk about, and two of them are shows you don’t watch.

If you haven’t asked this woman out yet, you’re not going to. The fact that you’re asking people for advice, and making excuses as to why you can’t, proves it. Your attraction to this woman exceeds your confidence in your own merits.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Like I said, it happens to everyone. It only becomes a problem when you keep obsessing over it. Obsessing over one woman, as if she’s going to be the solution to every other problem in your life, will only lead to bad decisions.

When you start to believe that your crush is The One, then you start to construct excuses for why you and she are meant to be together. This is where trouble starts. If it’s so obvious to you that the universe means for the two of you to be an item, then why isn’t it obvious to her? Why hasn’t she seen all these signs that you’ve picked up on? You probably have a notebook full of reasons why you two would be great together (“we like the same movies; I’m so emotionally supportive of her; all her friends like me”). But if those are all sufficient reasons for you two to enter a relationship, why hasn’t she noticed them yet?

When a guy decides that he is fated to be with a girl, he rarely consults with the girl first.

The problem with obsessing over a crush is the same type of problem that most guys have with dating: they don’t consider what the woman wants. If she were interested in you, you’d see a sign. If you’re not sure whether she’s interested, ask, or make a move of your own (more on that later). But don’t decide the end and then fret over the means.

If having a crush leads you to making poor life choices, what’s the cure? Simple: go on ten dates with other women.

They don’t need to be ten different women (though that’d be a feat). It can be ten dates with five different women. It can be ten dates with the same woman (though at that point, you’re probably in a relationship). The trick is that they have to be dates, and that they have to be with women other than the object of your crush.

This isn’t to make your crush jealous. This isn’t to practice your art of seduction so you can take another stab at wooing her. This is to cure you. This is to get your mind off of her. The only reason you’re so obsessed over this one perfect girl is because you’ve forgotten what else is out there. So get back on the market.

(Afterword: people who are in happy long-term relationships might arch their eyebrows at my assertion that The One is a myth. But you wouldn’t be in a happy long-term relationship if you weren’t good at listening to your partner’s needs. That’s way different from crushing on someone. A crush is an obsession. Obsession leads to expectation. Expectation leads to entitlement. Entitlement turns into disappointment. Disappointment becomes anger. Anger leads to trolling seduction websites and drinking alone)

(Part Six: on the myth of the Friend Zone)

Oct

you can rent the space inside my mind

Posted by Perich at 12:57 pm

(Part four of my series on dating. Part three: why keeping busy will improve your chances)

Continuing my series on dating with a slight detour here into the seamy world of INTERNET DATING.

My experience with Internet dating ranges from one awkward Craigslist date, a brief stint on the hipster-targeted consummating.com (now defunct; don’t go there) and many, many years on OKCupid. I created an account in 2003, abandoned it when I entered a long-term relationship, revived it when I was single again, used it on and off for three years, and have since deleted it. Don’t bother looking for me; I ain’t there.

In my time on OKCupid, I probably went on a dozen first dates and three second dates. I saw one girl I met there three or four times. We had good chemistry but not quite enough to build a date on. Fortunately, she’s met a guy whom she’s been with since then, so she did well. She traded up.

So aside from that one near thing, I have never had a relationship with someone I met on a dating site. Or even a one-night stand. But I’d still recommend it.

Why? A couple reasons:

First, messaging someone on an Internet dating site makes you think about how you present yourself. This is often one of the biggest obstacles keeping guys from attracting women. They don’t think about what a woman would want, which means they don’t offer it, which means they bore everyone they end up with. With online dating, if you don’t put a good first effort out there, you get nothing. Not even the polite conversation an uninterested woman would give you in a bar. Nothing tells you that you need to improve your game better than an 0-for-20 ratio of messages sent to received.

Second, you’ll become a less awkward dater by going on a few awkward dates yourself. You, the lonely guy reading this, may reach a point of desperation. You may be convinced that any date would be preferable to spending a night alone. Then you’ll go on an OKCupid date with a woman with whom you have nothing in common. She’ll talk about how hard it is to convince her wealthy cousins not to buy land in Cyprus just so they can build their own villa. She’ll talk about the abusive ex-boyfriend with whom she’s still sharing an apartment. Or she won’t talk at all. You’ll stare at your empty beer glass and her half-full Cosmotini, wondering if downing another beer before she finishes will make the conversation flow easier. You’ll walk her to her car, thank her for her time, and try to leave without sprinting.

After a few of those, a quiet night of reading looks awesome.

Third, it gives you something to do. As I mentioned in my last post on living an awesome life, brooding at home takes a toll on your mental health. You wonder why you’re not out with someone, you feel worthless, you get depressed, this depression makes you less fun to be around, which means no one wants to hang out, which leads you to wonder why you’re not out with someone, etc. It’s a lonely cycle.

Online dating has a marginal chance of matching you with your future soulmate. But sitting at home by yourself has zero chance. So what does it hurt?

I looked at online dating as something to occupy my attention while waiting for a real relationship. It got me out of the house, got me working on my conversational skills, and introduced me to new people. Plus, there’s something fun about having a few drinks and flirting with an attractive member of the desirable sex. Even if nothing comes of it, the fun means the effort wasn’t wasted.

So, while I wouldn’t put too much stock in it, I’d recommend creating a profile on one of the free online dating sites. At the very least, it’ll keep you busy. And who knows? Two of my good friends found their fiancees on dating sites. Those aren’t great odds, but it’s better than the lottery.

Sep

she says that I’m a mess, but it’s all right

Posted by Perich at 7:00 am

(Part three of my series on dating. Part two: on why you have to be yourself)

Last week’s post was about why you need to have good self-esteem if you want romantic success. If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will. However, since I delivered it as an anecdote about a guy asking for dating advice, the conversation (in the mirrored LJ post) drifted toward evaluation of that advice.

Which I hadn’t planned to touch on before this week, but hey, that’s how blogs work.

I can’t pretend to be an expert on dating. Since the time I started seriously dating girls, I’ve been through several awkward affairs, many online dates, a few one-night stands, the occasional drunken makeout, some friendships with benefits and a small number of serious relationships. I’ve dabbled in everything and excelled at nothing. So if you’re looking for the winning formula, I don’t have it.

But I can tell you what works for me. And if you were at one point a guy like me – sitting on the sidelines, frustrated at the apparent romantic success of every straight male other than you – this might help.

The most important piece of advice I have to offer: lead an interesting life. Fill your waking hours with a variety of engaging activities. Pack your schedule. Do things that almost nobody else does. Stay busy.

For example: in addition to my day job in online marketing (SEO/SEM), I write fiction; I edit a pop culture blog; I teach jiu-jitsu; I perform with and support a comedy theater in Cambridge; I’m a regular at karaoke; I show up to every Yelp event I can make; I do yoga at least once a week; etc. If someone wants to see me, they need to get on my calendar early.

How does leading an interesting life help your dating life? A few ways.

First, it gives you plenty to talk about. If your evening routine six nights a week is to crash on the couch, beer in hand, you might find a few ladies who want to talk to you. Maybe. There’s certainly lots to say about the shared experience of pop culture. But if you were that good at making small talk, you wouldn’t need my advice.

Nothing gives you that conversational edge like when a woman’s eyes light up. “Really? You do that? That sounds fascinating.”

(Note: this doesn’t mean you should turn every conversation into a lecture on how fascinating you are. You should spend as much time asking about her life as she spends asking about you, if not more. But you’ve got to bring something to the table. If she asks, “what do you do?” and you say “oh, this and that,” she might think you’re edgy and mysterious. Or she might think you’re unemployed and unambitious.)

Second, it gives you breadth. Trying a bunch of different things broadens your skill set. It exposes you to a bunch of different attitudes as well – the competitiveness of your softball team is different from the wild rush of skydiving, which is different from the precision of gourmet cooking, etc. Growing additional dimensions makes you more of a catch.

Third, it gives you confidence. I talked last week about finding the one activity in your life that puts you “in the zone.” You have a greater chance of finding this activity if you experiment with a bunch of different things. I didn’t think that I’d take to jiu-jitsu when I started it. I never expected to still be doing it a decade later.

Fourth, it expands your social scene. Finding someone who’s an ideal match for you requires a lot of different variables to fall into place. The more people you meet, the better the odds. Maybe you’ll find the woman of your dreams at a cooking class. Or maybe you’ll make friends with someone who’ll invite you to a housewarming party, where you’ll meet the woman of your dreams. Or maybe you’ll make a friend at that housewarming party who invites you to hear their band next week, where you’ll meet, etc. Being social pays off exponentially.

Fifth – either most or least important, depending on your perspective – it keeps you from brooding. What makes me most miserable when I’m single and struggling is having lots of free time. I curl up on the couch, staring at the walls. Or, even worse, I check Facebook incessantly. If you’re too busy to mope, however, you’ll be in a better mental state. Getting out every night and doing something exciting keeps you from recoiling inward.

I wouldn’t think leading an active life needed that strong a case to be made for it, considering the inherent mortality of our race. But, if you’re still unconvinced, here’s five good reasons.

(Part four: on online dating)

Sep

beginning with a look and then a smile

Posted by Perich at 7:32 am

(Part two of my series on dating. Part one: my dating advice to teenagers)

Years ago, I witnessed an Internet argument (on Livejournal, natch) between several benevolent females and one frustrated guy.

The frustrated guy had voiced some of the common complaints about women: it’s easier for them because they get to be choosers; they date jerks instead of nice guys; they’re so superficial, etc. Implicit in every complaint – and, toward the end, explicit – was the refrain why can’t I find a girl who likes me? Someone suggested that there was no magic to it. The way to attract a girl you’ll be happy with, she said, is to be yourself.

His response: “I’m so sick of hearing that!”

You rarely see someone voice their insecurities, and the flaws inherent in their philosophy, as loudly as that. That’s why it stuck with me for years. It’s an object lesson into why some guys have perpetual trouble with women.

To the guy who’s sick of hearing “just be yourself,” I have to ask: what sort of advice were you expecting? Were you hoping for some seduction archetype that you could put on at the start of the night and take off with your socks? Some blend of PUA, Don Draper and AXE body spray that would start the panties dropping? Some arcane combination of language, posture and timing that overpowers a woman’s will?

If so, what does that say about you? What does it say about your self-esteem that, when someone tells you to Be Yourself, you react with frustration? How much must you hate yourself for that to be the case?

Also, supposing I were to give you the secret words that’ll get any woman into the sack: what would you do with them? Form a meaningful relationship with the girl you tricked? How are you going to do that, when their attraction to you is predicated on a charade? I thought you were supposed to be the nice guy, not the jerk who takes advantage of women. And here you are asking me for the secrets to get a chick to sleep with you.

(This leads to one of those open secrets about dating: that Nice Guys aren’t really Nice Guys. They think sex is something they’re entitled to, and that the assholes / jocks / rich guys are taking up more than their fair share. That’s a creepy, manipulative attitude, Nice Guy. Women can sense that attitude on you like a musk. That’s what’s driving them away)

What most people find attractive is confidence. Not cockiness – though it’s often a close substitute – but confidence^*. This confidence can take several different forms. A joyful, outgoing exuberance. A quiet, knowing look. A serene acceptance of the world. A bold attitude that infects the whole room. A calm certainty that comes when you’re holding up your end of the conversation. All of that’s attractive.

Looks have a lot to do with it, too. But you’d be surprised how much dressing well, shaving regularly and smiling improves your appearance.

The reason people keep telling you to Be Yourself, Nice Guy, is because that’s where you’re most likely to be confident. That’s where you’re most likely to hit your stride. When you’re putting on a mask, negging 9s and angling your crotch toward your target, you’re not increasing your confidence. You’re playing at being confident. In reality, you’re more self-conscious than ever, checking in on your playbook (“did I touch her when she laughed? have I talked to her too much? do I need to neg her?”) and checking out of the moment.

Of course, if you think women are attractive molds of moist plastic, and not human beings with agendas, then maybe acting that way will be more like Being Yourself. But I thought you were the Nice Guy.

(Part three: on why it’s important to keep busy)

____________
^*To find the difference between confidence and cockiness, put two confident guys in a room together. If one of them is cocky, he’ll start pushing the other one.

Sep

it’s not that it’s my fault, it’s just my style

Posted by Perich at 7:00 am

Maybe if I beam this post into space, it’ll accelerate around the curve of the universe and travel back in time, returning to earth so my 16-year-old self can read it. Then again, if I knew this at age 16, I’d be in a different place today, and wouldn’t feel the need to send this into the past. So either it’ll never happen or it’s always already happened. Time paradox!

Anyhow, I’ve been saving up this series of posts for when I had my love life squared away. I saved them so that people I’d dated recently didn’t think I was talking about them. I’m not being passive aggressive, ladies; that’s not my style.

So here we go:

Just because a girl smiles at you doesn’t mean she wants to talk to you. Maybe she’s just being friendly.
Just because a girl talks with you doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you. Maybe she’s just making conversation.
Just because a girl goes out with you doesn’t mean she wants to kiss you. Maybe she’s just filling a quiet evening.
Just because a girl kisses you doesn’t mean she wants to sleep with you. Kissing is fun; fucking takes logistics.
Just because a girl sleeps with you doesn’t mean she wants to be your girlfriend. There’s fucking someone, then there’s wandering the cobbled streets on a Sunday afternoon with your hand in theirs, and you might not be qualified for the latter.
Just because someone wants to be your girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re going to marry them. Every relationship in your life will end in death or heartbreak. Don’t keep waiting for the credits to roll.

All of the above looks obvious, but it’s easy to forget. It’s easy for a lonely guy to fill his head with bitter expectation. He’ll accuse a girl of “leading him on” because she went to one step but not the next one. And the further down the ladder he gets, the worse language he uses. Once a guy gets experience and empathy, however, he’ll realize that women are people, too, and that they have their own agendas, and that agenda may not include “getting you off.”

For me, having that realization is when dating became more fun. It’s not that hard to pick up drunk girls in bars (harder than cooking dinner; not as hard as a job interview). I don’t know how the PUA ghetto turned it into a virtue. But finding a girl whose drives mesh with yours, who has interests and quirks that surprise you and has great chemistry with you to boot? That’s a rush. It feels like you’ve discovered a new country that’s right next door to your own.

But the first step toward that mature attitude toward women is to realize that just because she smiled at you doesn’t mean she wants to talk.

(Part two, on why you need to be yourself to attract women, here)

Jun

show me what you got

Posted by Perich at 9:16 am

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time about ten years and give my teenage self dating advice. BC was the first co-ed school I had gone to since fifth grade. I don’t regret going to an all-boys school for sixth through twelfth. It was a good school, for one, and the casual disrespect that adolescent boys have for each other becomes less vicious when there aren’t girls for whom to showboat. But it meant I didn’t know how to talk to girls when I got to college.

So if I could send a bury a reverse time capsule for my 19-year-old self to uncover, it might contain the following advice:

There’s a growing pool of advice on the web on Seduction For Neurotics (a/k/a PUA, Game, sarging, speed seduction, etc). Don’t waste your time. That shit will only deepen your worst tendencies without adding anything worthwhile.
Figure out what you want to do with your hair. It looks good either long and shaggy or high and tight. But you’ve been wearing the same part since you were seven. It’s not doing you any favors.
Become really good at something that you do with other people. Schoolwork doesn’t count. Video games don’t count, unless you have lots of people over to play them with you (which is common enough). This will give you confidence.
Along the lines of #2, figure out your own kind of style. Right now your closet consists of whatever clothes you’ve been given for Christmas plus whatever T-shirts you thought were cool. Do you want to be the guy who’s always dressed really sharp? The guy who’s kind of ragged? The guy who wears ironic fashions of yesteryear? Either is fine. Just pick it and stay with it.
You’re a good dancer. Do more of that.
Have a beer. Nurse the second. Then pace yourself. You’re at your best between the second and third drinks of the evening. Sure, you’d like to be able to go shot for shot with the big boys. But you’re not going to weigh more than 175 pounds until you turn 21.
Cultivate a diverse body of friends. Hanging out with the same crew all the time is great, but it makes it tough to find new people. College is one of the best times for this, because groups are desperate for new blood.
Smile. That stoic glare into the distance works for photographs. It doesn’t work when you’re the tallest guy in the room and no one knows you.
Ask her if she wants to see a movie. For fuck’s sake, you’re writing movie reviews for the college paper. You always have an excuse.
Finally: you know those guys who are so funny and energetic that everyone wants to hang out with them? Guys who, if they called you up and asked you to go to Home Depot with them to compare paint chips, you’d jump at the chance – because you know it’d turn into some awesome adventure? Be like that. You don’t need to be zany. But (to paraphrase Fast Times at Ridgemont High) you need to act like wherever you’re going, that’s the place to be.

That’s a pretty good list. Note that there’s nothing on there about what (specifically) to say to girls. The magic words that’ll get her to come home with you. That’s because there aren’t any such. A guy who has a lot of success banging drunk girls doesn’t succeed because he can change any girl’s mind. He succeeds because he changes his mind to fit the girls in the room. “That chick in the tube top shot me down? Well, suddenly I’m fascinated with you, blonde in the pencil skirt!” This is a strategy the same way spending $1000 at a roulette table is a strategy: if you have the bankroll, the patience, and the willingness to accept many, many losses, your number will eventually come up.

So take it easy, 19-year-old self. You’re starting late. You don’t need to get it all done at once.