From the Blog

Our ancestors were hunters and foragers. The kind of hunger that we call “starving” today (as in “Mom, I’m -”), they lived with every waking hour. They followed herds of animals that were faster, stronger and better armed than they were and they died if they weren’t smarter. For the first ninety thousand years of its existence, the human race knew only one song and that was keep moving.

Fast forward ninety thousand years to this Tuesday, when my email at work was so slow that I couldn’t use it. I would click on a message with a file attachment and count one, two, three, four, five, six before it opened. The message, that is, not the file. Opening a file merited a trip to the water cooler.

“You have eighteen thousand emails in your inbox,” someone said. “Try deleting a few.”

Humans can’t visualize eighteen thousand of something. Hell, we have a hard time with more than seven. We’re descended from a species that never saw a thousand of anything useful. I didn’t intend to have eighteen thousand emails in my inbox. It might have been eighteen hundred or eighteen million.

Apparently my work email doesn’t have a limit on inbox size. Every other company I’ve ever worked for dinged me when my inbox got too big. I used to find this insanely frustrating. Cloud computing!, I would yell at Outlook. Web 2.0! Paperless office! Cheap bandwidth! Agile management! I’d do this at least once a month, angrily archiving and wishing for more storage all the while.

I never realized that the limits were there to help me. If you don’t think of limits as helpful, try searching through eighteen thousand emails.

Limits force me to be lean. I have to be ruthless with my inbox. If it’s older than a month, archive it. If my name isn’t in the “To:” field, ignore it. If I can’t find it, ask the person to reforward it. This reduces the time that Outlook has to spend churning for something.

Limits reduce my processing time. Before, if I wanted to find an old email, I had to search through eighteen thousand. Now, I know an email is either in my inbox or my archive. I can search my inbox in a few seconds. And if more than half of my queries take a few seconds, rather than minutes, that makes me more efficient.

This isn’t accidental. Humans evolved to make the most of limited resources, including the energy available for our brains. A flock of birds takes off from the trees; you want to waste valuable calories counting each of them? Is there that much difference between a flock of two hundred and a flock of one hundred and ninety-seven? It’s a flock. It’s a whole mess of birds. Move on.

Every now and then I think about cutting back. When I’m not at work, I’m writing. When I’m not writing, I’m blogging, either for this little soapbox or for Overthinking It. When I’m not blogging, I’m at jiu-jitsu. When I’m not at jiu-jitsu, I’m piecing together a social life. Sometimes I eat; sometimes I sleep. And sometimes the stress of answering a hundred little bells makes me want to punch the sun out of the sky.

But I do my best work when I’m cornered. When every hour of the day is spoken for, I have to use my time wisely. I’m ruthless with my minutes. I write like I’m hungry and I hustle like I’m broke. Even if my job does pay me a princely salary, I keep moving as if it doesn’t. I fill my days with the stuff that would be a second job or a night shift. I try not to let comfort catch up with me.

Milennia ago, my great-nth grandfather stood somewhere in Africa and wondered if there was a number higher than eighteen thousand. The fact that I’m here means he didn’t waste too much time wondering. I owe it to him to do the same. Ignore the numbers. Pick up the pace. Get lean and stay ruthless. Keep moving.

New piece up in Overthinking Treme on their long-awaited Mardi Gras episode.

“Be good” is the most frequent invocation we hear on Mardi Gras. It’s not said as a warning, but as gentle Horatian satire. “Act out, but don’t do anything too crazy,” seems to be the implication. Mardi Gras gives implicit permission to act out for a day, breaking laws, customs and common sense guidelines. When you put on the mask, you abandon your traditional identity. You are encouraged to act as someone other than yourself for a day. When the mask comes off, you go back to the status quo.

Which is ironic for Treme. Masking on Mardi Gras doesn’t give our protagonists false identities. Rather, it strips away the false identities and shows us who they really are.

Pretty basic, but I only had one episode to go off of this week. Check it out!

I’m putting the mind-body dichotomy series on hold for a while in order to read some more on the subject. Currently I’m Kindling my way through Stephen Pinker’s How The Mind Works, which has astonished me and lost me a dozen times already. You’re all disappointed at not getting to hear my half-baked theories on a subject the human race has been debating for thousands of years, I know, but be patient. Some day, the pablum will return.

But I can discuss why this matters to me.

My friends regularly exhort me to open up more, to them and to others. “That’s what the website is for,” I tell them, but they insist this doesn’t count. They insist that I’d meet more interesting people and get less frustrated at my internal dialogue if I “took off the mask.” But this suggestion never really speaks to me.

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about masks.

If all behavior arises from consciousness, then we’re always choosing to present some face to the rest of the world. In social settings, we put on our charming face; when we’re tired and distracted, we put on our bitter face; when we’re overwhelmed and confessing fears to the ones closest to us, we put on our vulnerable face. But we always make a choice which side of ourselves to present. There’s no “true face” that emerges when we stop choosing to present. It’s masks all the way down.

At the same time, though, the idea of a “true self” makes sense to us. We distinguish between the world Out There (people and streets and hot dogs and engraved pens) and the world In Here (memories and fears and imagination and fantasy). That’s what it means to be self-aware: to distinguish between Self and Other. It’s an experience that everyone who can put thoughts into words has in common. So we all think that there’s something true or ideal inside our heads.

But is an experience that everyone calls the same thing necessarily real?

That’s what my experiments in auto-epistemology have been about. I’m curious as to whether the notion of an “unmasked self” is part of the same cognitive illusion as the Cartesian homonculus, or whether it’s something with a real basis in biology and psychology. As I said, I’ve got some reading and some thinking to do. Thanks for bearing with me.

“Great,” the audience muttered, shifting in their seats and checking their cell phones. “Someone tells the Professor to open up more and his response is to read a book.”

Jan
07
Posted by Professor Coldheart at 8:20 am

One of the signs that I’m getting older, aside from recurring aches if I sit too long in a weird position, heartburn from eating greasy foods, a vaguer recollection of events as recent as two years ago, seeing my peers get married and sire children, and of course my continual fear of death, is the fact that my scratches no longer heal.

I get scraped up at jiu-jitsu pretty often. My most common source of injury is actually rugburn – we practice on mats stacked on top of six inches of foam rubber and covered with cheap shag carpeting. It’s great to take falls on. The problem: any awkward tumbles or slap-outs lead to me abrading the skin on the back of my hand or the top of my foot.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” I think. “It’s not even bleeding.” And then I look at it in the shower the next morning and it’s scabbing over. The scab stays with me for a week or two, then flakes off to leave a sliver of pink flesh. A new scar.

I have one on the back of my right hand from the tip of a wooden knife; that’s maybe two years old at this point. I can see a new one slowly forming on the back of my left hand. I have no idea where that came from.

I’m the anti-Wolverine. People who know me in real life wouldn’t be surprised to hear that.

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Poll inspired by yesterday’s post:

[polldaddy poll=1251999]

I ate on Saturday with a whole posse of ladies – Victoria, Rachel, Mia and Lynn W – at Johnny D’s weekend jazz brunch. A balding man with a quiet electric guitar sat on stage, quietly threatening to turn his current jam into KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See” but always backing down at the last moment.

We talked about high school. The consensus: every small graduating class has the same thirty to forty guys in it – the beefy guy built like an oak door whose neck bulges a little over his collar; the gangly guy with a white man’s Afro; the kid with a buzz cut and bad acne. Of those forty, twenty-eight will stay in the same town most of their lives and work in their dad’s business (garages or restaurants in small towns; law firms and real estate brokers in prep school). But it’s the same guys in every part of the country.

I had been up since nine A.M., running and folding laundry, so what else should I do but go see Synecdoche, New York at the Somerville Theatre? My thoughts on the movie in a later media blow; for now, suffice to say that it slowed down the remainder of my afternoon. I noodled around the house, logging some hours on Fallout 3.

I got up at 8:30 AM on Sunday and found myself pulling a rolling basket through Shaw’s an hour later. I’d decided not to drive, the Porter Square Shaw’s being a zoo on Sundays, but I would have had my choice of parking spots if I did. Stubborn to a fault, though, I overloaded on groceries and trundled home on foot in freezing winds.

My last stop for the weekend: Will’s birthday party at ImprovBoston. We packed out the bar and both theaters, with people I hadn’t seen in months (Inman Square’s own Matt W. among them) turning out to wish the man a happy 34th. DJ Greg Wymer spun a variety of pop hits and I danced until my heart hurt. I left earlier than some – quarter to midnight – but later than I intended. Pics forthcoming.

The theme this weekend: waking up early. I never gave it much thought until this weekend, but I suppose I’m technically a morning person. I hate sleeping half the day away: there’s so many fun or productive things I could be doing. Then again, I don’t like going to bed early either – I’m missing out on what my friends are doing, or an opportunity to just sit and read. And even when I do lie down I have a hard time quieting my thoughts.

I just love being awake. I love consciousness so fucking much. I suspect my longstanding, paranoid fear of death stems from this: what if I’m in the middle of a really interesting train of thought when I kick it? There’s so much of the world to see and think about; what am I wasting time in bed for?