Periscope Depth

everyone will leave at exactly the same time

Morning all! Taking advantage of WordPress’s post-scheduling feature to leave you this note. By the time you read this, I will no longer be present on this Earth. Unbeknownst to you, I took a half day on Friday and got myself saved in advance of the Rapture. So now I’m kicking it in Heaven along with the other 144,000, or however many it’s supposed to be.

“But Professor,” you’re saying. “Why would you, an unrepentant atheist, embrace dispensationalist fundamentalist Christianity?” To hedge my bets. If Pascal’s Wager means anything, then a one-in-a-quintillion chance that an 89-year-old engineer with a radio show has the goods on the afterlife is worth any amount of foolishness. Plus, I’ve grown tired of using reason, intuition and the evidence of the senses to rule my behavior. What good have they done me so far? Sure, I’ve got a great job, a loving girlfriend, supportive peers and a sweet car, and my health, and a 401(k), but doubts still plague my heart. Whereas, if Harold Camping’s to be believed, I can accept Christ as my savior and wash those doubts away.

Those if you who saw me pre-ascension this weekend might have noted that I hadn’t stopped my drinking, swearing, or otherwise radical lifestyle. That’s the beauty of dispensationalism: I don’t need to! Merely being baptized, accepting Christ as my savior and admitting that I am an imperfect creature in constant need of his guidance will vouchsafe me a place in Heaven. There’s been a lot of debate in history over whether faith alone or faith and good works will save a sinner. But trust me: just faith.

If you’re reading this, then you weren’t one of the elect. Sorry! I’d tell you to come to the fold, but it’s too late at this point. Everyone who’s going to be saved has been. For now, all you can really hope for is a painless death. I suspect things get extra bad for the ones who engrave the mark of the Beast on their foreheads, but I’m not positive. Like I said, I’m still new to all this!

So long, friends! It’s been fun! I hope at least some of you are in Heaven with me, otherwise it might get boring.

Update: disregard.

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