Periscope Depth

the world weighs on my shoulders, but what am I to do?

On Friday, I came downstairs from my desk to get a seltzer water from the fridge. I noticed three cans of seltzer lying in the crevice between our two refrigerators. Since this isn’t the usual place to store water, my mind reeled.

I looked up above the fridge, where twelve-packs of soda are kept. Within seconds I’d reconstructed a scenario. Someone tried to lift a partly-opened twelve pack from atop the fridge. Not being blessed with my height, they struggled and three cans fell out. They decided to leave the ticking timb bombs lie and go about their day.

Not wanting water to go to waste, I fished them out of the gap and took one of them to the sink. It hissed and bulged as I opened it, but finesse prevented disaster. This left two cans, which I put back in the fridge. We love our seltzer here at Micro.

But! The next person might not know where those seltzers had come from. How best to warn future generations?

“Can I borrow a Post-It note?” I asked Karen, whose desk sat nearest the kitchen. “And a pen?”

I composed a note to warn anyone opening the seltzers to exhibit proper care. Having done my due diligence, I opened the fridge to stick it to the other two cans.

They were gone.

Poking my head out of the break room, I saw John V. heading down the hall, a green can in his hand. I sprinted after him, catching up just as he returned to the Engineering pods. My hand shot up and my jaw went slack as he cracked the tab on a …

Can of 7-Up.

John and the other product development engineers looked at me. I lowered my hand.

“Did you see two seltzer waters in the fridge?” I asked John.

“No,” he said. Then he blinked twice, as if reviewing slides. “I did see two seltzer waters on the counter next to the snacks.”

Oh, right; I hadn’t put them in the fridge yet.

“Thanks,” I said, sprinting back down the hall like that was just a thing I did sometimes.

I stuck the note to the cans, put them back in the fridge, and went back to campaign optimization. It’s a fast-paced job, and I bitch about the hours, but the pay is good.

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