Periscope Depth

wackity-schmackety doo!

My drive home on Sunday took me past the Foodmaster in Somerville just off of Alewife Brook Parkway. I needed groceries. I typically hit up the Shaw’s in Porter, but everyone always talks about how much cheaper Foodmaster is than Shaw’s. There’s a reason for that: Foodmaster doesn’t waste money on the tricks to get you to spend more, like pleasing paint jobs and bright lighting and wide aisles. But it’s still better than Market Basket.

Browsing the rows for cookies, I picked up my usual box of Pepperidge Farms variety to tide me over for lunch. But I still wanted a cheap snack for home. Then I found three tiers of shelves stacked with every variety of Stella D’oro cookies, crackers and breadsticks.

Including Stella D’oro Breakfast Treats (language NSFW and laugh out loud hilarious).

At only $1.50 for the package, I couldn’t pass them up.

Verdict: mediocre. Imagine a stale Nilla Wafer the size of your hand. They’re not awful, but the sugar / flavor rush you get from eating them just barely beats the effort it takes to sink your teeth through their crust. You finish one, look at the crumbs, and wonder why you bothered. I’ll eat them all, of course: I can’t stand wasting food. But the existential wasteland Patton Oswalt depicts isn’t an exaggeration. You have been warned.