Periscope Depth

whoa black betty, bam-a-lam

You know what we haven’t had in a while? An entry in the Worst Writing of the Year competition. Fortunately, here are some terrible metaphors regarding the election, courtesy of the Associated Press:

The secret holding, Barack Obama on Friday readied announcement by text message of his vice presidential running mate from a list suddenly spiced by a dark horse from Texas.

(1) The Secret Holding is actually the fourth novel in Melanie Rawn’s fantasy romance series, after The Empire of Touching, Stroking in the Darkness and Nailed By A Wyrm Knight. Either that, or I have no idea what the hell that means.

(2):

CUT TO: Barack Obama’s campaign headquarters. In a dimly lit room, SENATOR OBAMA hunches over a table. We hear paper rustling, but can’t see what’s going on.

Senator Obama’s CAMPAIGN MANAGER enters.

Manager: How’s that list coming, Senator?

Obama turns, strips of paper hanging from his mouth. He finishes chewing before he speaks.

Obama: Pretty good.

Manager: Have you picked a candidate for Vice-President yet?

Obama: Not yet.

Obama scoops up another forkful of paper and crams it into his mouth. The tension drags out while Obama chews, deep in thought. The secret holds.

Obama: You know what would make all this paper go down easier? A little spice.

Manager: Good idea. I’ll send out for some pepper.

Obama: No.

Manager: Old Bay?

Obama: No.
(dramatic pause)
Get me … some horse.

Manager: Senator?

Obama: Nothing spices up a list like some horse. Grind up some horse and sprinkle it on my list. Then maybe I can pick a VP.

Manager: All … right …

Manager exits.

Obama (shouting over his shoulder): And make sure it’s dark!

Journalism, folks.